MAD FIGS Digest #1-27 - 12/97

Ho Ho Ho! No, I'm not talking about Gilbert's mom, it's time for the holidays! Happy Chanukah, Christmas, Solstice, Kwaanza, or whatever else it is that people celebrate! This will most likely be the last Digest, and in terms of MAD FIGS activity it's been a Pretty Good Year. We've seen the creation of the MAD FIGS webpage, allowing us to spread The Word electronicly, and the individual MAD FIGS have moved out all over the globe to disperse our message personally. It's only a matter of time before our plan for world conquest is complete.

WEB UPDATES: 12/18 - Added some new stuff to parables section
Updated Fat Louie's UCLA Adventures
Added the Tractor Guy Mission


The much publicized FGOTD did not go as well as I had hoped. Upon returning to Fresno, the Animal and I were pumped up and ready for the Ultimate battle to take place. But the Great Bastardo explained to us that since word of the game had "accidentally" been released to "everyone" on "Fresno High's" "team", there would be "many" people there expecting to "play" against "us". He suggested that we should also get as many people as possible. Despite the fact that we were willing to take on all comers, Justin proceeded to have the Angry Bear call some friends. The additions to our team were, well, not too helpful is one way of putting it. Another way of putting it is THEY WERE HORRIBLE!!!!

Anyways, we arrived on the field to find... absolutely no one there. Eventually, a massive crowd of seven opponents poured onto the scene. The dozens of people who were supposed to show up never materialized, and we were left with many crappy players on our team. Additionally, although Justin portrayed our opponents as nearly unbeatable, it was a huge disappointment to me, the Animal, Paul, and Andrew to finally play against them. We expected so much more... if only we weren't obligated to let all of our 3-foot-tall players on our team. Oh well, maybe next time we'll put someone competent in charge of organizing the FGOTD.

On the bright side, a huge new development has changed to face of Frisbee playing in Fresno. That's right, the MAD FIGS now have the power to control the lights at Bullard's Track! We can (theoetically) play Ultimate at any time of day or night! Eager to take advantage of this power, Andrew, Justin, Will, Robbie, Paul, the Animal, and I set out for Bullard one night for a game. The Animal, Will, and I arrived quickly, but everyone else took their sweet time changing clothes and didn't show up until around 11 pm. We were about to play a game, when the Animal and I heard a great rumbling behind us. We turned, only to see... THE TRACTOR MAN heading straight for us atop his great machine! We were able to flee in time to avoid being crushed, but Tractor Man did turn off all the field lights.

Upon losing the ability to play Frisbee, we somehow decided to begin covert operations on Bullard's campus. Our objective was to spy on the janitors and find out what was in the secret janitor room. We managed to penetrate deep into the heart of the school, but we were detected when the Angry Bear tried to open a door. In our MAD flight from the scene, Paul was separated from the rest of us. Not wanting to leave him behind, the Animal and I went back to try and rescue him. We were unable to find any trace of the Incredible Guy, so we figured he had managed to escape. Upon returning to my car, we were faced with the sight of several police cars! Using superior speed and camouflage techniques, the Animal and I got away without being detected. But what were we to do? Using split-second decision making skills, we decided to make it seem like we were merely out for a jog, unaware of anything that might have been going on around the school. This strategy ultimately proved to be the correct one, and upon being questioned we were released, since the gross abuse of manpower used to search Bullard's campus (at least 4 police officers, search dogs, and a helicopter) found no illegal activities.

You know, it's a good thing I'm not in charge of the police department. I'd probably have them out catching dangerous criminals, when it's obvious that they should be spending our tax dollars investigating possible vandalisms. I'm sure our fine law enforcement officials know what's best for us, and are able to efficiently protect the public safety.

If you have any questions, comments, or wish to be unsubscribed, send email to

Scott Dogg


"This machine steals money. Don't use it"
-Sign on Merriam vending machine

"which one of you infiltrated the writers of south park? braveheart and african clicking noises in the same show? this cannot be a act of chance alone..."
-Delta Quinote

"A dead postman carries no mail!"
-Kevin Cosner (Submitted by Kathleen Hurley, no, I have no idea what the hell is wrong with her so don't bother asking me)

"Damn you, you fucking machine!"
Michael Swanwick, "The Very Pulse of the Machine"

"This Thanksgiving we have a lot to be thankful for. Mostly me. I haven't been giving myself enough credit lately."
-Jim Rome, 11/26/97

"I hear they are drinking up a silly storm in Fresno and here I am studying my ass off at the lowest leaf on the ivy... I'm going to be home by Saturday night, the first thing I'm going to do is wear shorts and run around with no shirt on at FIG Garden Village. Actually that'll be the second thing, the first will be taping Scott's mom to the floor and vandalizing his house."
-Gilbert Tsai

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