MAD FIGS Digest #3-2: 5/11/99
** THE MAD FIGS SEPTATHALON **
The 1st Annual MFS will be grueling test of the physical and mental endurance of its competitors. The 3-day event, to be held sometime this summer, is sure to draw dozens of the finest athletes from all over the world. While the exact date has not be determined, a rough outline for the competition has been completed. Times are still subject to change.
6:00 pm - Ping Pong
8:00 am - Paintball
12:30 pm - Dam Diner Dash
3:00 pm - Ultimate Frisbee
9:00 pm - Miniature Golf
11:30 pm - Frisbee Golf
9:00 am - MAD FIGS Adventure Race
12:00 pm - Bowling
2:30 pm - Pen Twirling
3:00 pm - Barefoot Mile Run
4:00 pm - Awards Ceremony
The Barefoot Mile Run
Location: BHS Track
Rules: 1600 meters (4 laps) in length. All competitors MUST run barefoot.
Ties (as declared by the scorer) will be broken by a 400 meter race.
Location: Andrew's House (Subject to Change)
Rules: Format will be a standard MAD FIGS Ping Pong League Tournament (double elimination, games to 21, no Paul's rules). However, seeding will not be based on MAD FIGS League standing, it will be determined randomly.
All first round games will be obstacle Ping Pong. Ties will be broken by a playoff game. NOTE: This tournament will also count for points in the MAD FIGS League.
Bonus Points: TBA, will be based on special feats accomplished during obstacle Ping Pong.
Location: Blackbeard's, The Pirate Course
Rules: Total score after 18 holes. The scorekeeper will display her presence by carrying the Pirate Flag at all times during this event. Ties will be broken by adding the scores on the 7th and 14th holes. Further ties will be broken by adding the scores on the 4th and 10th holes.
Location: Fresno State Bowling Alley
Rules: Combined score of 2 games. Ties will be broken by a sudden-death bowl-off.
Location: BHS Track & Vicinity
Rules: Each competitor will play in 5 games of 2-on-2 Ultimate. Partners and opponents will be determined randomly for each game. The games will be played on a short field (exact dimensions TBA based on the Animal's recommendations), and will be either to 5 or 7 points, depending on number of competitors and time constraints. Victory must be by 2 or more points, with a hard cap at 3 points above the normal victory score. Depending on number of competitors, 2 games may be played simultaneously.
Event scoring will be based on individual win-loss records. The first tie breaker will be based on total point differential between teams. The second tie breaker will be based on total points scored.
Bonus Points: 25 points to anyone whose team beats the Animal.
MAD FIGS Adventure Race
Location: Woodwark Park Parameter Course & Vicinity
Rules: An off-road race, approximately 4 miles in length. Exact route TBA, will be loosely based on the traditional BHS training course. In the event of a tie, the first person to catch a goose will be the winner.
Bonus Points: +100 points for running barefoot (note: this course includes hot asphalt, open fields, rocky hillsides, and chain-length fences).
Location: The Broken Bridge
Rules: Each competitor will play 5 games of elimination paintball, with a 10 minute cap on each game. Teams and opponents will be determined randomly, and team sizes will be based on number of competitors:
Under 10: 2 on 2
10 - 20: 3 on 3
Over 20: 4 on 4
Scoring will be based on individual win-loss records. Ties will be broken by comparing opponent and team casualties. Further ties will be broken by 1-on-1 Tombstone competitions.
Bonus Points: After the round robin tournament, a large free-for-all game will be played.
Last man standing: 100 points
Playing Shirtless: 100 points
Killing Paul: 150 points
NOTE: Paul cannot commit suicide.
Frisbee Golf (Supplementary Event)
Location: BHS (tentative)
Rules: Frisbee Golf combines the talents of throwing accurately and for distance. Course has yet be designed, but will most likely be on Bullard's campus. NOTE: Disc supply is not a problem. However, lost or unretrievable discs will result in event disqualification.
Dam Diner Dash (Supplementary Event)
Location: The Dam Diner & Vicinity
Rules: A one-mile race to begin at the "One Mile to the Dam Diner" sign.
Lunch at the Dam Diner will follow the event.
Bonus Points: 25 points for running barefoot (NOTE: this event takes place on an asphalt road with lots of debris and loose gravel, and cars passing at over 50 mph)
Pen Twirling (Supplementary Event)
Location: BHS Track
Rules: Paul will win this competition. However, to be awarded the full point value, he must perform a new pen trick that no one has seen before. All other competitors that can do the pen trick tie for second place.
Scoring for the major events is as follows:
1st Place: 900 points
2nd Place: 800 points
3rd Place: 700 points
4th Place: 600 points
5th Place: 500 points
6th/Below: 300 points
Scoring for Frisbee Golf:
Scoring for the Dam Diner Dash:
Scoring for Pen Twirling Competition:
Paul: 100 points
Others: 75 points
While the current schedule is not definite, the official events will proceed on time once the tournament has begun. Unlike most MAD FIGS sponsored events, promptness will be a key factor. Listed event times will be START TIMES, so be sure to arrive early for registration and warm-up if you won't be travelling with the official Septathalon caravan (more details on transportation and accommodations will be available as they are determined). The tournament director and official scorekeeper is our friend Kristen Cahill, and all events will begin as soon as she is prepared.
In the event of an unbreakable tie during preliminary events, the first tie breaker will be a Little Ceaser's free pizza Machine button pushing contest, whoever gets the highest score wins. If this competition results in a tie, a second tiebreaker of 1-on-1 You Don't Know Jack will determine victory. This will also be the method of resolving ties for runners-up in the Septathalon as a whole.
However, in the event of a tie for first place in the Septathalon, the tie breaker will be unarmed combat to the death (to prevent further tie breakers from being necessary).
An insider reports:
"So far, Vegas oddsmakers think that the Animal is likely to win it all, and have him at 2 to 1, with him winning the mile run, the bowling competition, and Ultimate frisbee, and jostling with the Incredible Guy for the win in the adventure race. P-Steink is at 3 to 1, with a crushing victory in Paintball, a strong showing in Ultimate, and possibly a ping pong victory if he can keep Leet from competing. Dark horse contenders at about 8 to 1 are the Angry Bear, Scott Dogg, who is clearly the favorite in the mini golf event, Leet, who could snag two victories, and Mat, a solid presence in each event."
Four entries to the MFS have been confirmed as of May 10th: Scott Dogg, vinnardo, Angry Bear, and Mat. Once seven entries have been received, a date WILL be set. In order to assure a date that will allow you to participate, send your entries ASAP to firstname.lastname@example.org
For up-to-the-minute information on times, entries, rumors, and breaking Septathalon news, visit the MAD FIGS webpage at
This has been a special edition of the MAD FIGS Digest. If you have any questions, comments or suggestions (about the Septathalon, the Digest, or the webpage) send email to email@example.com
"There comes a time when the machine becomes so powerful that the only way to stop it is to throw your body into the nuts and
bolts, the gears of the machine."
"Lusk Wins 250cc Motocross Event"
-The Riverside Press-Enterprise
"My family tradition tells that the maiden name of a great grandmother was 'Dogg' and that her brothers were called Burch,
David and Furr. Not teasing, deadly serious. No one as old as I am jokes about last names much.
Would like to correspond with anyone in your family who is doing or has done genealogy research on the Dogg family prior to 1900."
-Ellan West, in a personal email to Scott Dogg
QUOTE OF THE MONTH:
"According to Gilbert M. Grosvenor, president and chairman of the society, 1116 Americans were given maps of the world and asked to point to specific regions, with the following results:
-25% of them could not locate the Pacific Ocean
-37% were "not sure" which finger they were supposed to point with
-52% lost their maps
-89% agreed with the statement, "I may be stupid, but at least my name isn't 'Gilbert'."
-Dave Barry, "Geography 101"