Chris-

Don't worry, I did as you requested, a formal apology to the staff of Sproul has been sent. I told them that I couldn't get them the money, because I have wisely invested in the Stock of St. Paul. They were impressed with my written apology, so they said they would give me a job to do for them. Seems that the Rieber Hall staff has been taking the business away from my new friends down the hill. I was assigned to kill the big guy (I think he is really Big Gay Al) who is always wearing a different suit, and has the headphones on his head all the time. I had thought that he was an immortal, but no job is too great for Fat Louie, or so I thought.

Today I went to Rieber to have lunch, when I saw my target. He eyed me as though he knew something was up. I checked my feet, and I was wearing my shoes, so I didn't know quite why he was looking at me. Though I was being watched, I still had to act natural, so I turned to the girl behind me in line for the Peanut Butter Pizza, and I asked, "Ah...excuse me, but could you give me the time?" She said, "Sure, it's one forty..." Bang! Bang! Bang! Three bullets flew in my direction, all striking this girl who was giving me the time. This upset me, but I didn't know exactly what to do in a situation when my opponent is an immortal. That was when I saw our guudt friend Mary. She was sitting at a table with friends, and I remembered that she had told me I could throw her at Don Juan De Sissy the day before, and I figured that it would be okay for me to throw her now. I picked her up and with a massive throw she went flying towards Big Gay Al the Lunchman. She slammed into him, and he flew back into the knife rack, and that is when I saw blood. I said in my Apachee Indian voice, "If it can bleed, we can kill it."

I quickly ran to Al and grabbed him with my right hand. He was still in a daze when I Javelin threw him towards the grill. I jumped over Mary, who didn't seem pleased that I had interrupted her lunch, and sprinted to the grill. I pressed him onto the grill and screamed, "Kill the Piggy, eat the Piggy..." while he sizzled on the grill. I knew that my friends at Sproul were going to be happy that I completed their mission, and I then had a great business plan that Big Gay Al can help me out with now that he is cooked. If you are hungry for BBQ, come down to Sproul and pick up some grub compliments of Fat Louie and Big Gay Al. If you can't come down, we deliver, call at 1-800-Gay-AL14 or if that is busy, 1-800-Fat-Luie.

-Fat Louie

Back to Fat Louie's UCLA Adventures


Email the MAD FIGS