It never ceases to amaze me that at a fine educational institution like our own, that some people have no clue about what's going on. Since I got here, I keep hearing people wonder "Why all this construction?" I must hear people ask that 20 times a day. Until recently I thought that those who did not know why were in the minority of why there is construction, but alas, that is not the case. So, I will fill everyone in on why so much chaos.

I came to visit UCLA about a year ago. I was curious to see if this campus was for me and I took a very detailed tour. My tour guide led me down the steps to that point between the Men's gym and the Dance Hall. She told me that a library had been built here while Powell was under construction. The library was such a sucess that the University was going to keep it. I asked her what was the name of it and she replied, "The Killa Research Library." So I went inside and took a look around. Imediatly as I entered I saw a picture of none other than the Killa Chriss Quinn. I asked the male librarian if that was indeed who the library was named after. I think he was going to say "none other" but I took the picture off the wall and shoved it through his head before the words came out. I then proceeded to tear down the entire Library, and the result is the mess you see there.

Continuing our tour, I was led down Bruin walk and I saw a plaque comemerating a donor, a one Fat Louie. Shoot I thought, now I have to tear Bruin walk apart with my bear hands. And that is exactly what I did. This of course is why there is a detour on Bruin walk.

Finally for now, the deal with the dining halls. Hedrick and Dykstra are "remodeling", a cute term if you ask me, their eating facilities. Well, no one has told the student body why. When eating one night at Hedrick, then called Hershey, I went to go get some curly fries and I saw the speciality sandwich was a "Fat Louie Supreme". I asked the lunch lady why it was named that, and she said "Don't you know that Fat Louie runs these parts." I replied, "I did not know that, and apparently you didn't know I could kill a person with a curly fry," so I stuck a curly fry up her nose until it pierced her brain, and, you guessed it, tore the place down with my own hands. On a mission now to inspect the other dining halls I at last came to Dykstra. Everything was fine until I saw the "Killa croissant." "What a day," I thought. I went to the head hauncho and told them that that had a vermin problem. "What kind of vermin?" He asked. "Lovers of the Killa and the Fat one," as I took a penut butter pizza and shoved it down his no good mouth. I turned the gas stove on high, and on the way out I lit a match and said, "So long suckers," dropped the match, and came to the conclusion that I must attend UCLA to rid it of the Killa and Fat Louie.

My story is told. And boys, you know that penut butter pizza you both found outside your rooms today? I put it there, and very soon it will be shoved down your mouth.

The Don

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