Resurrected a FIG
Hi Scott Dogg and Animal-
Last night I ran 15 miles up hill in the sand. It was tough, but I averaged 4:30 miles. As I approached the finish I felt my body shutting down and everything started turning black. I had vision of the Animal and Jacob just in front of me, so I pushed even harder. My heart exploded when I crossed the finish line, just inches behind the two. The sound was so loud it shattered windows in the neighborhood and drew the attention of paramedics and doctors around the area. They tried everything to bring me back to life, but after hours of struggling they gave up on the lifeless corpse at their feet. They yelled in my ears, "What do you have worth living for?" Then, pressing on my chest the word, "Ssseeppptttaaaatttthhhllloonn......" came out. One doctor said, "Sex Cauldron, I thought they shut that place down." "NO," shouted another, "this man is a MAD FIG, and there is only one thing that could possibly bring him back!" The MD pulled a freshly picked FIG from his pocket and placed it on the remains of my burst heart. Suddenly, vines sprouted from the FIG and grew into and replaced my then worthless veins. The nectar of the FIG flowed through my body, and the once dead corpse rose and began running with more intensity and vigor than before. I ran the 15 miles again, this time averaging 4:15 miles and when I had the vision of Jacob and the Animal again I slammed both of them into the sand and completed my run.
So now I run 24 hours a day in preperation for the septathlon. When I get thirsty I drink my sweet nectar sweat, and when I get hungry I tear off a limb and eat it in stride, they grow back. My FIG heart provides me with too much energy to sleep, thus I run without rest day in and day out. The Mormons have made me a prophet, and are now writing a book of Mormon the Sequel entitled: We Were Wrong about those DAMN FIGS. It should hit the shelves in mid-August. If you are wondering how I wrote this e-mail, I slowed to a 4 minute mile pace and had the twins transcribe it. Good luck beating a full blooded FIG next weekend.