To the great ones who go blindly into battle
I hope all of you are having a great summer, and you're not all wasting your time training. Slaving away in the summer heat now is going to be the biggest waste of your lives. Let me tell you guys the best training you could be doing right now is clapping your bitch ass hands together for an hour a day because that is the best preperation you guys are going to have for actual game day. When I am walking up to get a little cash on July 28th you guys aren't going to stop clapping till I tell you to, so if you don't want really sore hands, especially the Animal, I suggest you guys practice now. Fuck the FBI. Black suited chumps who follow me around everywhere to try and understand what makes this guy tick. Let me tell you, those agents can't run more than 15 miles a day because they can't keep up with me when I do. Stretching, jumping-jacks, ten-minute drills, BMX running, indian runs, machine attacks; those FBI bitches can't keep up with me when I'm doing those, and I know none of you suckers can. I'll be throwing frisbees farther and more accurate than any of you punks, and if you even decide to show up to the Septathlon the best you can do is clear a space on your desk for the first loser trophy, because I have already cleared a space in my wallet for something none of you will ever get to handle again, the Mad Figs dollar. There is nothing any of you can do, so I say to those who are travelling far to get here, just show up saturday with your clapping hands 'cause that's all any of you are going to need. Good luck Figs.